Bearer of the Flag From the Beginning

NEW LJ???

wanderingkind

i hate my non-existent love life. 

blacksburg is amazing. I'm so glad i can still call it home. even though i chose to stay in richmond for these next two years blacksburg means the world to me and it's honestly the people. i can bitch and moan about my stupid trivial problems but i really shouldn't complain because i know all these awesome people. i couldn't live without dominique or abby or alec or josh. i love you guys!!!! <33333

my mystery disease: stress, anxiety, grief.


apparently i'm just normal.

if i die from this mystery disease i've acquired, these are the words i want on my grave

"when the body finally starts to let go
let it all go at once. not piece by piece
but like a whole bucket of stars
dumped into the universe."


and also if i die, i want you all to know that i love you and care about you so much and want you to keep fighting for what you believe in, respect everyone, stand up for what's right and what makes you happy and please, make the hate go away. you're all amazing beautiful people and deserve the best.


but i probably won't die, i've just been feeling like lately maybe everyone should know that's how i feel about them. wish me luck at the doctor's. i feel like i'm about to pass out.

french exam was not that hard. fuck yeah. also, i saw cute bike dude that i see all the time, you know the one i made a huge thing about last semester. what a babe!!! 

inner turmoil, i has it. so i got into virginia tech but i seriously think i don't want to go anymore. and there i was, a regular debby downer, talkin so much smack about it like two months ago. But then i started talking with my therapist and started re-examining my shit and then tyler died and I realized that as much as richmond can suck a huge dick, so can most places, and i just have to make the most of it. Sure, it helps that i finally found friends who are awesome and i dig spending time with, and that i'm playing music and that the weather's nice, but overall i think it would be good for me to actually stick with being independent and away from blacksburg. My parents are being pretty cool about me flip flopping so much, their only condition is that if i stay in richmond over the summer i must attend summer school classes. but thankfully they work around tour! so awesome. I seirously think i've already made my decision, but my dad is freaking out and really wants me to go to virginia tech, but i can't do something just because my parents want me to, i need to live my own life.

in other news Read is coming to visit me today, which i'm pumped about. I need to stop obsessing over YOU KNOW WHAT, because clearly there is no forum for it right now and the only thing i can do is just see what happens.

WHY AM I BEING SO RATIONAL RIGHT NOW? probably because i'm procrastinating from doing work. lulz.

i hate school. 

it's like sleepin with a married man
takin a step too far if you can
even if the ends don't meet

and i'm four cents short could you hand me a nickel
or that cigarette left unsmoked on the table
and it's low
but it's love.

when you sing the stars fill up my eyes
Galaxies pour down my cheeks

A candy-colored clown they call the sandman
Tiptoes to my room every night
Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper
Go to sleep. everything is all right.

I close my eyes, then I drift away
Into the magic night. I softly say
A silent prayer like dreamers do.
Then I fall asleep to dream my dreams of you.

In dreams I walk with you. in dreams I talk to you.
In dreams youre mine. all of the time we're together
In dreams.

But just before the dawn, I awake and find you gone.
I cant help it, I cant help it, if I cry.
I remember that you said goodbye.

Its too bad that all these things,
can only happen in my dreams
Only in dreams in beautiful dreams.

We can do some wrecking here and find something to love in this broken place. 

uh oh another one of my friends died, it's mourning time again.

i spent my spring break in the garden of good and evil.

Although there was no actual communing with the dead i was deep in voodoo country not getting carded. in other words i was drunk off my ass in the sassiest southern town ever. St. patrick's day in savannah is fucking insane but mostly terrifying. The one good thing is you can spot the herds of inebriates from miles away as they were all wearing green. at the parade we stood behind these raunchy drunk redneck ladies, it was intensely humorous, but then got pretty uncomfortable (at this point one of them was calling toilet paper "pussy paper" so awwwkwwarrrd). So we ditched that shit and did our own thing. There's a really cute co-op there and lots of nice people were there. everyone has a dog in savannah. I think i also developed a crush on kevin spacey considering he played jim williams in the movie and had a majestic mustache. okay, i have a thing for mustaches, it's really weird i know but they're so hot!!!! moving on,  I got some quality aunt time, she's the neatest lady ever and saw some really awesome places. I'm not a history geek or anything, but that town has the coolest fucking history ever!! in short: i like savannah, it's sassy, it's warm, and i'd go back there, definitely.

In other other news i turned in my application to virginia tech and if i get in i am definitely moving out of here. Dom and josh and i talked very loosely about trying to find a duplex to rent at the same time and start a zine shop/scene collaboration/show space in our collective basements and i got really pumped on the idea. very optimistic, but it would be SO TIGHT. i speak to soon though because i don't even know if i'll get in. the suspense is obnoxious, i feel like i'm in high school all over again.

NOW I'M BACK IN RICHMOND and it's cold. le sigh.

super intense weekend. practiced every night with jeff tyler and maggie, pretty sure i drank every night too. saw a show, played more music, saw another show, played more music, played two shows in one day, drove four hours, slept for like 7, felt like a bad hostess. went to ellwood's and saw stupid brandon and felt angry because i feel like i can't go there anymore. drove four hours today with a sore throat and a freaked out cat in the car. went to dinner with my grandfather and his wife and my parents, they all got drunk except for me and my dad and the waitress was pouring me a glass of wine and my grandfather goes "she's too young" when like 7 minutes before he was saying how stupid the drinking age was and i should just have some of his martini. smooth grandpa. listened to them talk and try to tell me what i should do with my future, which was not helpful considering they wouldn't listen to me. After seeing jeff tyler and maggie everyday for like three weeks straight i feel weird and empty without them and i miss them and now i feel nauseous and self conscious because i'm going to a place that's warm (on a stupid airplane, which, by the way, i'm terrified of) and that means i'll actually have to show parts of my body that i've gotten really good at covering up. i'm really trying to stay positive and have a good body image, but fuck it, i'm sick and tired, nervous and grumpy and sad all at once.

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

toodlebear is my life companion. bffz.

i am under the impression that about 97% of the women i know have an unhealthy relationship with food. fuck. 

so this is a trend i've noticed in a lot of people here: being really really intensely thin is really really intensely in.

ew.

what happened to real looking bodies? what happened to appreciating life and not obsessing about what yr eating all the time and when you need to work it off, or puke or just not eat in general?

the antlers show was really good, i'm always surprised that a band that good comes out of Richmond (lolz) and most of them are really nice. it was cool getting to hang out with david before he went to DC again too, he's letting me borrow some awesome books for my projects on women in punk. that also means i'll get to see max levine play again, they were such a good fucking time! This band hail hydra played and they're from around here and they reminded me of early s-k mixed with red elk and it ruled really hard.

speaking of, i am in such limbo, too much emotional baggage where that shit is concerned and i'm having a hard time deciding what's best for me. as usual.

i have been attacked recently by many for my "highly emotionally charged" opinion on gun control. i mean SO SHOOT ME if i knew people who died because crazy people can get hands on guns really easily in this country, and it PISSES ME OFF.

EVERYONE KNOWS THE CRIME RATE GOES DOWN WHEN EVERYONE HAS GUNS. florida, i feel, is a great example. (see exhibit a)

moral of this entry:

I HATE PEOPLE.